Spiked Gauntlet; now available in women’s sizes

Reichsha, the Queen of Slothjemia (a.k.a Empress of the Slothjemian Empire, Countess of Boardhum Keep, and Defender of Quality Ciders), is the first female ruler of her nation to date. There was one woman eligible for the role, long, long ago; but she was outmaneuvered by her cagey younger brother and tucked away out of the public eye. For Reichsha this wasn’t going to ever be an issue, though; she is an only child. And while a good many of her cousins would probably liked to have ascended the throne in her place, her father, Manfriedreich IV, made sure she was well established before he handed the role to her.

Her massive charisma is her greatest weapon, and has always been key to her success. It is almost impossible to be angry with her once she decides to befriend someone. Her father’s streak of lunacy had alienated a fair number of the nobility, but Reichsha quickly remedied that. The only place she has had trouble winning over support is from the most heavily entrenched tribal elements of the realm. This is partly because of her marriage to a human paladin (the horror), and partly because she herself has traces of wild elven blood in her veins. But, she has an ace in the hole with tribalists; she has quested, and with wild success. Her adventures not only added land to the empire, but it created a mystique surrounding her that not very many of her predecessors can rival.

All of this leads to the question burning in the hearts of everyone: how does she wield the spiked gauntlet, the equivalent to the Slothjemian crown, when it was originally made for a much larger, and macho, left hand? Easy. She gets the thing on, and can manage to lift it high enough to point at somebody, and says “kick that guy’s ass out of my castle.” Then somebody else steps in, and takes care of business. Do that two or three times, and the word gets out. After a few years, the huge metal glove covered in spikes just sits on the little table next to your throne, gathering dust. But it is there when you need it, and it works incredibly well. Queen Elizabeth can’t claim that. All hers does is inspire heist movies. But if she ever does slip it on, and say, “kick this guy’s ass out of my castle”, I’m prepared to be impressed.

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