The news that Microsoft is planning to relegate their “Paint” program to being an optional program instead of an integral part of the Windows operating system has been ill-received in these parts. As you can tell from my gorgeous, sensuously artistic renditions of Slothjemian cartography, I am a master at the dance of the pixels. I wield the “draw circle” tool the way David Sedaris wields the majesty of comical essays. I manage to do things with transparent cut and paste that put Georgia O’Keeffe to shame, and not a single one of my endeavors has ever been proven to be an allegory for genitalia in an upper-division elective art class.

The eager reader will no doubt be thrilled to discover that my skills at pixelated visual poetry are not limited to just poorly rendered flags, coats of arms, and monochrome maps. Quite the contrary! Just you wait until next Monday! In addition to yet another glorious map, you’ll see… aw, I hate to ruin it. I’ll give you a hint, though. It is bigger than a bread basket.

And it isn’t Georgia O’Keeffe’s genitals. That isn’t a spoiler alert. That is genuinely good news.