What Mystery Science Theater 3000 Can Teach Young Women

There was a time, and gleefully it has circled back around again, when there was a little television show called Mystery Science Theater 3000. In it bad movies were made fun of and along the way valuable life lessons were imparted. Here are a few worthwhile pearls of wisdom for young ladies such as my daughter as they go about looking for the perfect man. This is in no way an exhaustive list but it gives a person some good ideas as to what to avoid.

  1. Do not fall for a man with a Ziox brand burned into his arm. He’ll only break your heart, steal your beer, and swipe your dirty laundry.
  2. Do not go on a romantic holiday with any man foolish enough to not ask for directions to the Valley Lodge outside of El Paso. Also don’t live in El Paso.
  3. Do not go out and neck in the woods if your date is stupid enough to park right next to a bale of hay so that a rattlesnake can crawl into the car with you.
  4. Do not promise to marry anyone that already has six wives chained to an altar and that employs a goat-legged manservant who has a minimal understanding of personal hygiene.
  5. Do not fall for the first slick fella that can get the handcuffs off using only the key ring from a 1952 Buick.
  6. Never date Hercules.
  7. It is generally considered a bad omen to get an orchid for your wedding.
  8. You can marry whoever you end up stranded on the moon with even if you initially outranked him. Or her. No judgment.
  9. Do not date a man prone to attacking you for spinning an umbrella.
  10. Silver boots are an acceptable goal for life. Not everything has to be gold.
  11. Should the Neptune Men invade latch onto a rocket scientist. If it is the goons from Krankor, then hook up with the bootblack.
  12. Avoid men that promote ladies wrestling.
  13. Werewolves are considered desirable romantic interests in Flagstaff and ONLY in Flagstaff.
  14. If the man you are interested in melts upon returning from Saturn take it as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be and stay the hell out of lemon orchards.
  15. Should Merlin promise to help you have a baby it might be time to rethink having a baby.
  16. Nothing good has ever come from being the lady sheriff.
  17. If you have to choose between true love and your screenplay always choose the screenplay. Always.

I hope this helps all of the ladies out there looking for love. In the meantime, we have MOVIE SIGN!!!