One of the running gags in our ongoing game is one or more of the players calling out “Rule Three!” whenever there is even the slightest hint of innuendo. This doesn’t even have to be during the game, either. The mere suggestion of anything remotely sexual is enough to spur folks to frantically shout (or type) out their objection to rule three being violated. For those not familiar with this rule, see the section on “Gaming Rules” on the main page of this blog for more information.

The truth is that rule three for me is rather easy to abide by. Oh yes, I am one of the most inappropriate men on the planet and that isn’t likely to get any better as time passes. But as to actual sexual activity, be it mine or somebody else’s, I can state beyond a shadow of a doubt that I really don’t care what is going on or who is doing what to whom. I joke freely about all manner of sexual things. But as to who (or what) you might be sexually attracted to I can assure you that I do not care.

As a bit of background for this allow me to say that my beloved father, now into his seventies, is a homosexual. He always has been but due to family and society pressure he did his level best to be a heterosexual family man. To further this goal he courted and subsequently won the affections of a woman that for her own reasons didn’t particularly enjoy being touched by men. That would be my late mother who passed away a semi-closeted lesbian. They got along terrifically considering their mutual disinterest in each other as sexual partners but as you might imagine there was a certain level of giddy dysfunction that permeated my upbringing. When they eventually divorced nobody bothered to inform me about how men and women ought to interact healthily so I muddled along as best I could. There were, predictably, missteps and disastrous choices.

Now I am looking at late middle age and feeling a lot better about who I am. I am content with the reality that I am no longer a total fool when it comes to romance and I am happy with where I am as a person. I have also found a great deal of comfort in the sexual preferences of those around me. Whether you are attracted to men, women, certain vegetables or just rodents of a particular size makes no difference to me. I’d just as soon not know the details. I also appreciate not being asked to film anything. But if you are in love, just looking for that special somebody, or deliciously asexual I am fully on board with your agenda. Because I really don’t care about the details and it doesn’t make a difference anyway. You be you; I’ll cheer you on and celebrate whatever happiness comes your way.

How does this apply to D&D? Players in my world will note that men and women and those not either of those options do not necessarily conform to contemporary norms. And even when they do, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a legitimate sexual reference because that isn’t how we roll. Heh heh heh he said “hard-pressed.” I view the real world the same as I view my game world. There are heroes, villains, monsters and honor. I prefer to not dwell on inconsequential matters such as moist knickers. By the way, that last sentence should get some very interesting Google searches dumping hapless folks into the blog. To those people I bid welcome, and invite you to consider that not everyone wants to sleep with you. In fact, probably nobody does. But that doesn’t matter. There is a huge world out there waiting to be tackled.

Roll initiative.